How the No Contact Rule Works

You'll often hear about the no contact rule when you go online to research means of getting your ex-girlfriend back after a breakup. So what is it? Is it effective? And doesn't going no contact mean your ex will forget you?

That's the wrong kind of thinking, but unfortunately, the kind of thinking many of us go through after a breakup. Here's why the no contact rule works, and how you can use it to get your ex back post-breakup.

What no contact is

No contact is essentially taking a period of time where you don't talk to your ex, or have very minimal contact with her. During this time you're focusing more on yourself than anything; you've now got a chance to:

1. Get a logical, rational perspective about your breakup.

2. Realize it's not the end of the world even though you're broken up.

3. Allow yourself to calm your mind and breathe again.

4. Get your life back.

No contact also allows your ex to do all the same, which is beneficial to her. So it works both way.

Why the no contact rule works

The no contact rule works because it allows you to approach your ex again later, in a more rational frame of mind.

But perhaps the most effective reason for no contact is:

It lets you get out of DESPERATION MODE.

After a breakup, we go into what I call "desperation mode" where we start texting and calling our ex nonstop, or trying to talk to them on IM - whatever means you use. And we try to figure out why they broke up with us.

This backfires. The ex thinks, "oh man, he's so desperate. I'll just cut him off completely; I don't want to deal with this."

So when you're tempted to do this, it's MUCH wiser to go no contact because you AVOID desperation mode, and thereby avoid driving your ex away.

How to implement no contact

To use no contact, first:

-Get a calendar.

Mark off the days you'll have no or low contact with your ex. (Low contact means saying hi, but not going much beyond that.)

30 days is a good time period to shoot for. It will give you plenty of time to get out of desperation mode and back into a rational, calm frame of mind.

-Mark off the day you will re-initiate contact.

Set the date 30 days from now, or whenever you choose, to re-initiate contact with your ex. Now, it's important that you DON'T contact your ex before you have regained a rational state of mind. So allow yourself as much time as you need; better to overcompensate.

-Make a plan for what you'll say.

Now, you don't want this first contact to be, "let's meet up and talk about our relationship for 3 hours." Instead you simply want to be SEEN by your ex so they realize you are again the rational, calm, attractive, happy person she fell in love with.

So make it a light note, something like, "Hey, how's it going." You definitely want to keep the conversation neutral; avoid your breakup as a topic of conversation. Good topics include the weather, current events, and simple, easygoing topics. Avoid talking about any current romances in either of your lives as well.

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